Boundaries

Several years ago, during a difficult season that included relationship struggles, a therapist recommended that I read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The book was genuinely transformative for me. Others may take away lessons I did not fully recognize at the time, and that is a good thing. One of its central ideas, however, stayed with me: accepting responsibilities outside your calling—or outside what is truly yours to carry—can be a serious mistake..

Later, I faced a different set of struggles at work. As a Quality Manager, I tend to work through problems by examining their causes, clarifying ownership, and identifying practical solutions. Applying that same approach to my personal situation led me to a conclusion that echoed the message of Boundaries, but took it a step further.

Here is the lesson I learned: when someone feels compelled to respond to every need, solve every problem, or carry every burden, it may point to an insecurity issue. When someone believes that everything is their fault—or that everyone else’s problems are their responsibility—it may reveal a distorted view of responsibility. In that mindset, protecting everyone else can become more important than protecting one’s own mental and emotional health.

Caring for others is important. Helping people is good. But there is a difference between compassion and taking ownership of burdens that do not belong to us. We cannot effectively support others if we neglect the condition of our own minds, hearts, and lives.

A lifeguard rescue offers a useful illustration. If a lifeguard is bringing someone to safety and an unavoidable hazard is approaching, the lifeguard may position the struggling person between themselves and the danger. It can sound harsh at first, but the reasoning is practical: if the lifeguard is seriously injured, both people may be lost. If the rescued person is hurt, the lifeguard may still be able to complete the rescue.

The broader point is not that other people do not matter. It is that we cannot help anyone well if we have destroyed ourselves in the attempt. Protecting your mental health is not selfishness; it is stewardship. Before carrying someone else’s burden, make sure you are healthy enough to stand.